DP's Problem Page

Dear Devil Puppet
I had a lollypop today and it turned my lips and tongue blue, I've tried everything to clear it up, tequila, vodka, archers (out of the freezer) but I still look like Marilyn Manson. Help, work will think I'm an alien!!!!! Oh I am! What do you recommend. Love Paddy the Dog.

Devil Puppet says...
Well Paddy, these lollies were created by security companies who were suspicious of robbers stealing the secret blue lolly recipe. When you eat the lollies (which are made of millions of tiny bright blue ants) the ants explode on impact and cause temporary blue mouth disease. The only cures for such a disease are: Mini Guinness, Cheeky Vimto and Port and Brandy. Drink these and you should be fine. Side effects could be sleepiness, letchiness, and nausea but this will soon pass. By the way, Marilyn Manson was beautiful and I have all her films on DVD!

Dear Devil Puppet
Can you explain why you can see people's breath when it's cold?

Devil Puppet says...
Beware quizzling chum - they are not people, they are dragons. Some thought that dragons were slain by Christian Bale and his comrades but be under no illusion - they DO still walk the earth. Ever been to a pub and sat with 'smokers'? Wrong! They are cunning dragons trying to disguise the fire coming out of their mouths. I recommend hibernation and extra strong mints.

Dear Devil Puppet
My hair is going very frizzy on bank holiday weekend with the rain what can you do to help?

Devil Puppet says...
Well, my frizzbomble chum, being rather threadbare myself, I say let your hair go and live naturally. Make the most of what nature gave you. Alternatively, take a leaf out of one of my bestest chums books, Sparky, and shave the whole lot off. Another option is to enjoy some brisk walks in the countryside and find yourself some cuckoo spit. It works miracles on frizzy hair and is an excellent alternative to wundaweb (that stuff you can use to shorten your trousers if you can't sew).

We are about to embark on a foreign excursion with a group of alcoholics to a country that has a very hot climate. As 'Judith' now prefers the 'powder' and Boogalooga prefers moderate temperatures (i.e. 20 degrees and below), please help and give us some tips on how to cope? Also, as most of my luggage space is taken up with hats, fans and batteries, please explain how I squash two weeks worth of clothes into 6lb (weight) of space?

Yours desperately xx

Devil Puppet says...
Well desperately, my suggestion for this dilemma is simple. Firstly, Judith needs to get herself checked into the Priory as drug addiction can be a terrible thing. It also rots your teeth. Secondly, book your alcoholics into the Priory as alcohol is also a drug (though legal) and can make people over giddy and excitable. Thirdly, I am not certain as to why you would pack your fans? Can they not get a ticket of their own? Smuggling people is a serious offence. Finally, here are some travel tips.

Pack edible underwear - it's takes up little space and you can eat it after use.
Become an alcoholic yourself to cope with the others.
Ask Judith to leave her ski gear at home and use up her luggage allowance instead.
Make sure you both get plenty of rest whilst on the trip. I recommend the sunlounger and cocktails for 8 hours a day.
Whilst travelling to and from your destination, wear all of your clothes to leave more room in the suitcase.

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Dear Devil Puppet
I have been pondering the colour of my baubles for the Christmas festivities this year - can you help?
Big Bauble Lover of Donglesbury

Devil Puppet says...
Well Big Bauble Lover, I suggest anything but red as this can suggest angriness or tension - no-one likes to see irritated baubles. Green is also a bit of a no-no, as it can implicate rot and decay. If someone came to your house and saw that your baubles were green or similar they might be tempted to leave. Gold or silver baubles are always good as you can normally see your face in them and what could be better on Christmas morning than letting your loved ones stare at their reflection in your shiny baubles?

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Dear Devil Puppet
I am turning into a fat bar steward and Christmas is fast approaching - what can I do to lose weight rapidly?
Fat Bar Steward of Stoutsville

Devil Puppet says...
Well Bar Steward, Christmas is never easy, all those relatives to deal with who still expect you to be 2 foot high (but I guess in your case 2 foot wide), have you tried putting Sellotape across your mouth? I find Sellotape is an exceptional tool for sticking things together, particularly chest hair ladies. Another alternative is to eat a pound of raw chicken. You may have to spend Christmas day in a dark and lonely hospital ward whilst your chums tuck into a big roast dinner but at least you'll be counting the calories!

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Dear Devil Puppet
Please could you advise on my golf balls veering to the out of bounds area off the first tee at Abersoch golf course. It is affecting my behaviour in the 19th.
Yours, Mr Spock's Boss

Devil Puppet says...
Well Mr Spock's Boss, have you considered giving up golf? As Mark Twain said, "Golf is a good walk spoiled". Having said that, he did write The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and that was rubbish. I have a few other suggestions; try licking your balls before playing, send your balls for counselling to curb their wayward ways, treat them to a pint in the 19th before you play, or, stay out of the 19th completely. As I know this is impossible for most golfers, my biggest tip is that you keep your balls clean, scrubbing them now and again and replace your balls often - as soon as they get worn out.

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Dear Devil Puppet
I have decided to give up smoking and have managed 4 whole days without a ciggy. The problem is now I’m not as regular as I was whilst smoking. I would always do the business at 7pm which suited me very well as I am always home from work by then. I have a huge fear of having to go in public toilets and would die at the fright of needing to go at work. Please help...how can I make sure I don’t get caught short!
Mrs N Needingapoopattern

Devil Puppet says...
Well Mrs N, firstly may I say how proud I am of you for stopping smoking - It is a truly courageous act for anyone to do and lung cancer is a terrible disease to die from, so keep up the good work. Secondly - all that chewing gum and mints you ate still didn't disguise the smell of dead badgers on your breath so think about this before you start again. Thirdly, poo is a funny thing - It can make one man weak and another man sing. Trying belting out the entire score of Sound of Music each morning (before work) and each evening, (when you get home) this will assist your bowel movements and encourage stool action.

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Dear Devil Puppet
I am going through a divorce and would like to know what is the best way of sorting out all those joint finance things and how best to divide up the contents of the house. Hope you can help me.
P of Footloosenfancyfree

Devil Puppet says...
Well P, divorces can be sticky things so firstly buy some glue remover. Secondly, make sure you take everything you like out of the house when your partner is out at work. If they don't work then you're doing the right thing by divorcing them - distract them with a double episode of Trisha and make your escape. Thirdly, sell the house whilst they're asleep in it - we have a law in Devil Puppet land which says if you are clever enough to do this without waking them up, the money from the sale is yours. Give it a go P!

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Dear Devil Puppet
We are due to marry in December and are having problems on deciding which song to have as our first dance. Any suggestions?
Indecisive of Chelmsford

Devil Puppet says...
Well Indecisive, I have a list of suggestions for you: 'Last Christmas', Wham. 'Tainted Love', Soft Cell. 'Careless Whisper', George Michael. 'Everybody Hurts', REM. 'Please Release Me', Engelbert Humperdink. As you haven't stated your age, I will list some thoughts for a younger audience - 'I don't want you back', Eamon. 'F U Right Back', Frankee. 'Cry Me a River', Justin Timberlake. I hope these smoochy romantic songs bring you all the happiness they brought to Barbie and Roger Bulrush Head.

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Dear Devil Puppet
I am beginning to get a bit worried as I haven't been able to have a solid poo in about 5 years. Is there any way of firming up my smelly waste? Do you think this problem will shorten the life of my bottom?
Yours chaffingly, TF

Devil Puppet says...
Well TF, have you considered a good dose of cement plus one part sand with your morning cereal? This is sure to firm up your stools and ease the problem. In the short term, to combat the smell, you could try eating Pot Pourri, I can recommend Marks & Spencer's festive collection for this. I don't think the problem will shorten the life of your bottom but you could try putting elastoplasts over the hole and try a good ale like Butt's. I hope this solves your problem quickly for you.

Dear Devil Puppet
My friend is married and his wife won't let him play on XBox or PS2 til the early hours of morning - any suggestions on how he can resolve the situation?
Dick Hick

Devil Puppet says...
Well Dick, the problem seems easy enough to solve. Wives generally like nice clothes, exotic holidays with their chums, latest gadgets and technology throughout the home and regular manicures, pedicures and trips to nice pubs and restaurants. If your chum had any sense he would provide his wife with all of these items. If he were to come into a bit of extra cash, he could buy her a second home in a place such as Abersoch and provide transport in the form of a DB9 or SL500 AMG. I think after such luxuries she would be more than willing to let him play XBox with you until perhaps midnight.

Dear Devil Puppet
Please can you come up with an excuse for me so that I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Suicidal Sue

Devil Puppet says...
Well Suicidal Sue, the best excuse I have ever used was that I had measles. By using this excuse you can have ages of time off work and watch as much daytime TV as you like. The only problem with this is that you will have to roll around in some gnats before going back to work - gnat bites look remarkably like measles and work very well with camomile lotion dabbed on them. You could also use up the left over lotion in cups of tea whilst enjoying hours of fun picking at your scabs.

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Dear Devil Puppet

I am currently engrossed in the Olympic Games and I am perplexed by the lack of Devil Puppets in the swimming events. I have asked several experts in the field but to no avail. I am sure that the master of all knowledge, you Devil Puppet will answer my problem.
Love Special Uncle Ian

Devil Puppet says...
Well Special Uncle Ian, in the 1970s Devil Puppets had very big hair and when the water got to it, it was like filling a giant sponge and they all sank to the bottom. Because of this they were all banned from the swimming events for wasting Olympic time. So instead they exerted their efforts in plans to take over the world and infiltrate as many countries as they could - England being the most popular. I hope this answers your question.

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Dear Devil Puppet,

Please can you help? We are in despair. We suffer from a loss of memory and wake up on Sundays with various injuries having also lost some personal items (though not our knickers). Could the bubbles in the Belgian Water be causing the problems? Please advise so we can rectify our situation and get up early enough on Sunday for Church.
Boozy Hangover Birds from Abersoch

Devil Puppet says...
Hmm, this is a tricky one. It could be that the local hospital isn't near enough. I suggest you start up a campaign to get one built in your village. This will improve the state of the injuries the following morning. You may also consider buying some string to tie your personal belongings to other parts of clothing that are not going to get lost (perhaps your knickers) - think back to when you were small - did you have mittens on a cord? The other thing I can suggest is that you don't go to bed at all on Saturday night - this means you will still be awake (be it somewhat over refreshed) on Sunday to get to Church in time. My final suggestion is that perhaps I join you to see if it happens to me also? Please contact me to discuss.

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Dear Devil Puppet
I have just been to get my washing in and there is a huge stain of bird poo on my white linen trousers. please do you know of a remedy to remove this stain? I would be so grateful.
Angry from Abersoch

Devil Puppet says...
Well Angry, I would firstly recommend that you remove the source of the problem by buying a shotgun, particularly if the source is a pigeon. Pigeons are the spawn of Satan. You could even make money from this by holding shooting competitions or events in your garden. Entertain the troops with cans of Stella and Vodka jelly then bake the pigeons in a pie. Secondly, to remove the stain I recommend that you note where the item of clothing was purchased and go and buy another pair. Please note however that linen creases easily and white is not the most flattering of colours so you could always just cast them aside and buy a pair of lightweight cotton slacks instead.

Dear Devil Puppet
Do you have any advice on dealing with stress when testing new systems?
Maverick of Malvernshire

Devil Puppet says...
Well Maverick, the only way to deal with stress is to burden all the other people around you with it. Let them share your gloom and tension. No point in bottling it all in so every now and again shout irrelevant things down the office, particularly in quiet moments. You mention the word 'testing'? Why not become testing yourself by answering back senior personnel and generally behaving like a spoilt teenager. You may find yourself looking for another job but the tension and stress should soon drift away - particularly after a bottle of gin. I can recommend Bombay Sapphire.

Dear Devil Puppet
I trump a lot and it can be embarrassing as it smells. How can I stop this?
Trumper from Taunton

Devil Puppet says...
Well Trumper, I'm afraid to say that there is only one solution for your problem and that's a good quality cork. I recommend ones found on red wine bottles as the chemicals naturally produced in red wine can make your trumps smell sweeter than normal ones. Also, consider steering away from trump enhancing foods such as beans and hot curries. Another solution could be to follow the Atkins diet, it will stop you trumping completely but your breath may stink for a bit and you'll be constipated.