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Your monthly horrorscopes for October 2005... |
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Aries |
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Taurus |
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Gemini |
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The knock at the
door is to tell you that you are paying an unnecessary standard order
for one of your utilities. Tell them a rude joke. |
Jamie Oliver is
promoting sausages and apples this month. Beware of cloudy skies and
anyone bearing a mincer and a packet of extra strong mints. |
News of a new
boutique hotel on the doorstep fills you with joy. Start learning how to
speak posh and wear jewels when shopping at Londis and Spar. |
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Cancer |
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Leo |
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Virgo |
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Bored of Super
Noodles? Add tomato ketchup and fried rice for a bit of variety or
alternatively, baked potatoes with chewy baked beans. |
Tiger tiger
burning bright, in the middle of the night, gives your neighbours quite
a fright. Ensure your security lights are switched on as the days get
shorter. |
Trumps in the
bath are all well and good but can lead to a build up of sulphur in the
atmosphere. Try bottling the guffs and sell on EBay for £1.99 each. |
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Libra |
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Scorpio |
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Sagittarius |
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It's the month
of the Libran - take time to drink some Stella and reminisce on days
gone by. Then thank your lucky stars they have. |
Watch out for
purple cladded ladies this month. They are trying to spray you with
dodgy perfumes by C list celebrities. You may smell anyway but have some
pride. |
Oh the lure of
the golf course. Beware of seagulls looking for that curry covered naan
bread to colour their white chests yellow. |
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Capricorn |
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Aquarius |
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Pisces |
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Try eating some
cheese this week with a couple of old socks. It will leave you feeling
full and revived ready for the busy week ahead. |
There's no time
like this time - ever been ice skating? Well give it a go but remember
to pack some pile cream in case of emergencies and blisters. |
Do your
Christmas shopping on Thursday my chums - bargains are to be had and
there may be a free mince pie or too at your local boozer. |
